Yesterday was Mother’s Day and you know, sometimes this recession just provides us with unique opportunities and experiences and, dare I say it, joy!!!

I decided that, being the day it was, that I could choose what we (family) were going to do! In keeping with budgetary restraints I had issued an edict that husband was not to buy me little gifts from the girls. Their handmade cards were enough. But I did reserve the right to decide how we spent the day. And good ole God was working with me by providing us with mild and sunny weather. And so himself was dispatched to Dunnes to get some fresh bread rolls, I hard boiled eggs and a picnic was prepared. A small bit of research on the web before we left, uncovered a walk in Tinahealy (Co Wicklow) called the Railway Walk.

And so we passed most of the day on this beautiful and clearly little known walk, along the River Derry in South West Wicklow. The air was full of bird song and sheep bleating and the sound of the river. At the end of the walk we were at the entrance of Tomnafinnoge Woods and so carried on walking for another 2kms or so through one of the few remaining remnants of ancient Oak Wood in Ireland. The energy as we walked along a carpet of dead leaves, through dappled sunshine among these ancient trees was truly beautiful.

The dog splashed about in the river, the kids played pooh sticks from a wooden bridge and it was a simply magical day out. As we made our way back to the car, with tired legs, we thought we would treat ourselves to coffee in a gorgeous coffee shop in Aughrim. Totally cost of day out about €20.00

In the past we have rounded up for a mother’s day lunch or dinner out in a packed restaurant which was usually pretty expensive and fairly devoid of magic!

Today all was simply serene and uplifting and joyful! Great.

So – my previous post describes how I uncovered a huge affinity to my Wiccan sisters. So the next step was to open an account with and begin to buy everything I could find on ‘The Craft’. Much of what I read spoke deeply to my soul. I loved the lack of rules, the lack of hierarchy. I loved the feminine essence of this religion. I still have huge respect for the craft and still feel a lot of that connection. But somehow going sky clad and making potions and spells didn’t quite sit with me. And so having educated myself fairly well on the old ways, I took back to the road again. The road to find myself and to inner peace… and as walked, I could hear some giggling in the heavens. God really thinks it’s funny when I get lost and confused!

Then daughter number three arrived… 6 weeks early and with little warning. She was a very lardy 8lbs 12ozs which I assumed was great for her. But, apparently not. She was a very sick little baby for the first two weeks of her life. The experience shook me to my core. The thought that I might lose my little baby shone a very bright spotlight on my life. As I made deals with God (she had stopped laughing by the way), I promised to give up work in order to be at home with my little ones, regardless of what sacrifices I might have to make along the way. I held in my heart and in my head the vision of me and him along with our other daughters in our lounge at home with our new baby in her moses basket in the corner. I held tight to this vision and willed it into being. And two weeks after her traumatic arrival I took her home. And as we all sat in the lounge that evening I thanked God for the normality and simplicity of it all! I think God was smiling, a big beamy smile!

And so the journey that began in earnest with the arrival of daughter number two on Halloween in 1998, took a massive leap forward in late 2000 as youngest daughter settled into life at home. I finally fulfilled the promise I made to God in the hospital and retired from the world of paid work in late 2001 and took up my position as stay at home mum and home maker and general dogsbody without pay or status! Initially me and him planned that this would be just for a year. I was sure that by then, I would be champing at the bit to get back into the world of paid work.

Boy – was I ever wrong?

I know that God laughs. I have heard her. I provide her with great entertainment on a very regular basis. It is not really that I am a born comedian, although I have at times, managed to entertain friends with stories that have reduced them to tearful mirth. No God prefers her comedy to be more subtle. Not that I am subtle either. Far from it. But for the last 8 years or so, I have been attempting to find myself and nirvana and inner peace. I have had some success… but I have crashed and burned many, many times. And this is when I hear God laugh. Big loud guffaws from heaven.

My journey towards my original goal of inner peace, more or less began when I gave birth to my middle daughter. She was born on Halloween (which was always one of my very favourite times of year) 31st October 1998. By complete accident I managed to have a natural childbirth and thank God, she was a healthy specimen. All was well in the world. Oldest daughter was delighted with her new sibling and me and him were well pleased too. Without the drugs to take the edge off reality, the post delivery elation was very keenly felt. I was not just clever, I was the co creator with God of new life. (OK so I know my husband had some input too… but male input is not exactly in the miracle realm is it?). It was then, in the immediate aftermath of this wonderful experience of delivery and birth, that I knew that God was not a male God. How could God be male when it is we women who give birth. Oh no.. I knew without one shadow of a doubt that God certainly had a female face.

This was a major revelation. God as a woman made it much easier for me, a woman, to identify with her. The old school idea of God, as I was taught in good repressed Catholic Ireland of the 60’s and 70’s, was of a grandfather figure who was prone to getting pretty cross about stuff and from whom I had to constantly seek forgiveness.

No siree…this new God who visited me after Roisin was born was far more to my liking.
So having discovered that God was not some old grumpy guy in heaven but in fact a universal mother, as well as a father, was a great relevation for me. Suddenly God became much more real. And she became much more connected to creation. (I will refer to God a she because this is how I ‘see’ her. I don’t think that God is either male or female but rather has all the best qualities of both.)

Up until this point I was a relaxed (not quite lapsed – but fairly lax) Catholic. Sure I wasn’t happy about all the scandals etc. that were beginning to rock the church at this time. In Ireland we had bishops exposed as having fathers and ‘charismatic’ priests whose charisma knew no bounds certainly where celibacy was concerned! Things got a lot worse some time later with child abuse scandals. So I felt very disconnected from the church into which I had been baptized. What to do?

During my maternity leave I spent a lot of time in bookshops and one day a book, quite literally fell onto the floor at my feet. It was written by Laurie Cabot, well known American White Witch.

I had my ‘Eureka’ moment…. I WAS A WITCH. A wise woman. Connected to Mother Earth and all of nature. I must have been a witch in a past life. It all made perfect sense. I love ritual. I love rites of passage. I was Barbara, White Witch, Wiccan Priestess, Wise Woman.

Perfect….. or was it? Who knows?

Over the coming weeks, months or years I want to use this blog to weave tales of my journey. I sometimes go forwards, making great leaps of understanding and in the process healing elements of myself that needed sorting (even though sometimes I was not aware that I had a ‘problem’). And then I go backwards… or into the cave as my beloved teacher would say. And I sit in the darkness of the cave trying to work out what’s going on and then pulling myself back out into the light!

It’s all great craic if you keep a sense of balance and more importantly a sense of humour! So check in often. Leave a comment. Share your thoughts, as I attempt to share what I have learned and what has worked for me, along the path to healing!